Build It Up or Tear It Down
Speaker: Pastor Darin Browne
Ephesians 4:29-32
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamour and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
The word for grieve is LYPEO, which means make sad, make sorrowful or offend. What is this passage suggesting? Paul is imploring the church, especially leadership, to not grieve or offend the Holy Spirit. So, what grieves the Spirit? He tells you…bitterness, wrath, anger, clamour and slander. We spell out words, and so our words can be spells we pronounce over people’s lives.
WORDS THAT BUILD UP
Encouraging words are wonderful, and we should have more of these. Over the last week I have received several encouraging messages, some prophetic, some just kind words spoken by dear friends, and this has built me up. A few weeks ago, I was feeling overwhelmed and attacked, but a few encouraging words have built me up and given me grace in a time of great turmoil for my soul. The turmoil was caused by words, but the antidote was also words, encouraging words.
Proverbs 25:11-12
A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver.
Like a gold ring or an ornament of gold is a wise reprover to a listening ear.
Words can also build up if they are not seemingly kind or easy to hear. Words can also be rebukes, some valid, others perhaps not. The Bible says a godly rebuke is kindness, even if it is hard to hear, and we sometimes call it constructive criticism. Most criticism is destructive, and it can cause immeasurable damage, but a godly rebuke that hurts can actually build you up. Words of praise are like droplets of water, nourishing and causing a plant to bloom.
WORDS THAT TEAR DOWN
Criticism is something that can tear you down and cause scars for life. We live in a world where everybody believes that their opinion is sacrosanct. They think they have a God given right to say whatever they think, even if it is destructive and hurtful. It’s the Facebook phenomenon, where every opinion gets an airing. We are better to be silent than to cause destruction by airing opinions.
Our local Anglican priest is being ordained this month and undergoing a five-day vow of silence. It reminded me of the monk who joined a silent monastery, where they could only say two words a year. The Abbot asked if he wanted something the first year, and he said, “more blankets.” Next year he said, “more food.” The third year his two words were, “I quit” and the Abbot said, “You might as well, you’ve done nothing but complain and criticise ever since you got here!”
Proverbs 12:18
There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. (Which one are you?)
IN THE 21ST CENTURY, OPINIONS ARE KING
We think that every word we say, every opinion we have, is the most important thing. We value our own opinion so highly, that if you encounter someone you do not agree with, we feel it is noble to fight, claw, wound or even destroy…even in church! Opinions are like noses; everyone has one and most of them smell!
We think that our opinion is so, so, so important that we are prepared to ignore God’s will, God’s Word and the feelings of others, as long as we get our opinion to prevail! We dress our opinions up as zeal, as fervour, even as God’s Word, at times using Scripture to promote our own will.
HOW TO DEAL WITH UNJUST CRITICISM
Sometimes words spoken to us or over us hurt and deeply discourage us. Sometimes, hurting words come from people we love and respect, and though they may not have been intended to hurt, they do.
Often criticisms are difficult to decipher. Is this from God, or is it from the devil, or man’s wisdom? How can you know if a criticism is valid or not, and whether you should accept it.
1: THE SOURCE
The first thing is, who is delivering the criticism? Is it someone you respect, someone you trust, someone whose opinions have validity?
Proverbs 15:31-32
The ear that listens to life-giving reproof will dwell among the wise. Whoever ignores instruction despises himself, but he who listens to reproof gains intelligence.
If the source is someone you don’t know or respect, don’t bother getting offended. If someone I respect criticises me, it is usually delivered in love, not anger. Attacks from non-credible sources can be safely assumed to not be from God.
2: DISCERNMENT
The Holy Spirit lives within you, and He will give you discernment, an inner witness to the validity of what someone has spoken over you.
Philippians 1:9-10
And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment (Greek: AIS-TGESUS, perception by the senses and intellect), so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ,
You have an inner witness, and you need to check this when someone speaks words over you.
3: GODLY ADVICE
I always take any criticism, good or bad, past or present, to people who are mature in Christ. Sometimes, especially when it hurts, I cannot clearly see the truth, but godly mentors can provide the right perspective.
Proverbs 11:14
Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counsellors there is safety.
4: SCRIPTURE
For me the ultimate guidance is Scripture, and I cannot tell you how many times God speaks to me from His Word. It is living and active, and He guides me every day.
Hebrews 4:12
For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.
Don’t assume that if someone is quoting a Bible verse that it must be God. People misquote Scripture and use it to manipulate people all the time, even leaders. So does Satan.
Luke 4:9-10
And he took him to Jerusalem and set him on the pinnacle of the temple and said to him, “If you are the Son of God, throw yourself down from here, for it is written,
“”He will command his angels concerning you,
to guard you,’
Luke 4:12-13
And Jesus answered him, “It is said, ‘You shall not put the Lord your God to the test.'” And when the devil had ended every temptation, he departed from him until an opportune time.
Warren Weirsby said, Truth without love is brutality, and love without truth is hypocrisy. Legalism is applying laws with loads of truth but with little love. Legalists love to quote Scripture when they criticise and hurt, but they never seem to quote scriptures about unity.
5: BE CAREFUL OF THE “GOD TOLD ME” CARD
Many times, in church, criticism is delivered by playing the “God told me” card. If you believe that God has told you a message of criticism for someone else, ask yourself why God would tell you, but not tell the person. Can they not hear God?
Jeremiah 23:31-32
Behold, I am against the prophets, declares the LORD, who use their tongues and declare, ‘declares the LORD.’ Behold, I am against those who prophesy lying dreams, declares the LORD, and who tell them and lead my people astray by their lies and their recklessness, when I did not send them or charge them. So they do not profit this people at all, declares the LORD.
Jeremiah 23:35 (Message)
“don’t go around pretending to know it all, saying ‘God told me this…God told me that…’ I don’t want to hear it anymore. Only the person I authorise speaks for me. Otherwise, my Message gets twisted,
If you want to criticise someone using “prophecy,” write it down and submit it to the leaders of this church. If someone encourages you with scripture or a word, that’s fine, but if it is directive or corrective, it’s hurtful, dangerous and must be submitted to authority. Most people use the “God told me” card to manipulate what they want to see happen, so be wary of criticism couched in religious jargon and allegedly God’s will.
BREAKING THE SPELL OF WORDS
We arrange letters to spell words, so words can become spells. When we arrange words together and put a period at the end, we form a sentence. Some people use critical words to sentence you to whatever they want, even if it destroys you.
I was talking to a local pastor this week who said that he has had long term people cause disunity and even leave church over a difference of opinion. When we sacrifice unity for our opinion, you can call it passion or zeal if you like, but God calls it sin!
Evil words that someone spoke over our lives have deeply hurt so many of us here. You’re no good, you’ll never make it, you can’t do that. Words can be arrows. David said…
Psalms 64:2-3
Hide me from the secret plots of the wicked, from the throng of evildoers, who whet their tongues like swords, who aim bitter words like arrows,
These bitter word arrows can pierce your soul, and cause scars that last your whole life. When someone attacks or criticises or offends you, what should you do?
1: RESPOND, DON’T REACT
A reaction is instantaneous, aggressive, and almost always wrong. I see couples doing this, and the home is like a pressure cooker. Your first reaction is always angry, defensive and escalates the issue. A response, however, is slower, thought through, measured and always a more godly response than a reaction.
Proverbs 29:11
A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.
Proverbs 15:1
A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
How do you turn a reaction into a response. I recommend taking a time out for half an hour.
2: TAKE IT TO THE LORD
2 Kings 19:14
Hezekiah received the letter from the hand of the messengers and read it; and Hezekiah went up to the house of the LORD and spread it before the LORD.
Someone has criticised and attacked me in emails and I have taken the message and spread it before the Lord. If you are hurting, don’t try and deal with it alone, and don’t just bury it, because Satan will dig it up and parade it before you at times. Bring it before the Lord today, because He can do what you cannot, and He longs to heal you and set you free.
3: PRAY AND RELEASE GOD’S POWER
If you are hurting over words spoken to you, and ask God to intervene, and heal the pain.
Isaiah 54:17
no weapon that is fashioned against you shall succeed, and you shall refute every tongue that rises against you in judgment. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD and their vindication from me, declares the LORD.”
4: FORGIVE THE ATTACKER
Unforgiveness is like you drinking poison hoping the other guy dies. Your bitterness does not hurt him, but it destroys you, so you must learn to forgive. This especially applies if you think the attack and criticism is unfair or unjust. Forgiving them in no way justifies what they said, it releases you from the sentence of their words, their evil spell.
Colossians 3:13-14
forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.
Forgiveness sets you free to be who God wants you to be. Forgiveness allows you to live and bind together with others in perfect harmony. Bill Newman says, “Don’t nurse your hurts, don’t curse your hurts, don’t rehearse your hurts, you have to reverse your hurts, because hurts will make you bitter, or better. It’s time to get better.”
5: ALLOW YOUR SOUL TO BE HEALED
This takes some time. We have an Inner Healing team that can help you reach true and deep forgiveness. They can help free you from words others have said about you. They are keen to pray with you, they charge nothing and they will transform your life. I have seen so many people, me included, set free from harsh words spoken in the past. One quick prayer does not always work, sometimes we need to seek God, wait on Him and persist to see the chains of critical words broken off our lives. God wants to restore our souls.
Psalms 23:1-3
The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
BREAK THE POWER OF AN EVIL SPELL
If criticism and the evil spells of words have deeply hurt you, God wants to restore your soul today. Words spoken over your life have deeply hurt many, perhaps by loved ones, your parents, your spouse, your ex, your friends. Today I want to get very specific, and I want to talk to those whom church leaders have hurt with their words. When a spiritual leader wanders from God’s way, the consequences are often devastating. No pastor is perfect, I am not perfect, and sometimes we have to make unpopular decisions, but if a church leader or pastor, or someone in leadership at your work, has hurt or offended you, today I want to break the power of those spells using the gospel, and set you free from the sentence their words condemned you to.
Coming into next year, we are going to see an incredible move of the Holy Spirit in our city. But to do that, we must be in unity as a church, and if you are harbouring long term hurt, you will struggle to be in unity.